A collection of lawyer jokes

"Lawyer: An individual whose principal role is to protect his clients from others                              of his profession." --Anonymous

First lawyer: "You're an unmitigated liar." Second lawyer: "You're a lowdown

cheat." Judge: "Now that the lawyers have identified themselves, let us proceed."

"It's better to enter the mouth of a tiger than a court of law." --Chinese proverb

Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases.

Our wrangling lawyers... are so litigious and busy here on earth, that I think

they will plead their clients' causes hereafter,--some of them in hell. --- Robert

Burton. 1576-1640.

What do you call a busload of Lawyers at the bottom of a cliff? --- A start.

What do you call a Lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand!

What's the difference between a skunk & a lawyer that have been road killed?

Vultures will eat the skunk.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a hooker? A hooker will stop

screwing you when you die.

Why do so many Lawyers have broken noses? From chasing parked

ambulances.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.

What is black & brown and looks good on a lawyer? A pit bull.

A man loaned a freind $ 500. He then thought he needed a contract so he

would be paid back. He went to his Lawyer & asked him to make make him

one. Lawyer says " That will be $ 50.00 ( This is an old joke ) and it will be

ready next week. Five years later the man was going through his desk and

found the receipt for the $50 so he decided to throw it away, since the loan had

been paid long ago, and then decided to take it to his lawyer and see if he could

have some fun. He took it in and handed it to the girl without commenting. She

took the receipt to the lawyer. Fifteen minutes later she came back & handed it

back to the man and said " It will be ready Friday".

Our wrangling lawyers... are so litigious and busy here on earth, that I think

they will plead their clients' causes hereafter,--some of them in hell. Robert Burton.

1576-1640.

Kill all the lawyers. -William Shakespeare.

What do you do if you run over a lawyer? -Back up!

There is never a deed so foul that something couldn't be said for the guy; that's

why there are lawyers.

The law is not an end in itself, nor does it provide ends. It is preeminently a means to serve what we think is right. William J. Brennan, opinion, Roth v. United States, 1957.

I don't want to know what the law is, I want to know who the judge is.

One with the law is a majority.

Free government has no greater menace than disrespect for authority and continual violation of law. It is the duty of a citizen not only to observe the law but to let it be known that he is opposed to its violation. Calvin Coolidge, vice-presidential nomination acceptance speech, Republican National Convention, July 27, 1920.

When the law contradicts what most people regard as moral and proper, they will break the law--whether the law is enacted in the name of a noble ideal...or in the naked interest of one group at the expense of another. Only fear of punishment, not a sense of justice and morality, will lead people to obey the law. When people start to break one set of laws, the lack of respect for the law inevitably spreads to all laws, even those that everyone regards as moral and proper--laws against violence, theft, and vandalism. Calvin Coolidge, message to Congress, December 6, 1923.

Pretty much all law consists in forbidding men to do some things that they want to do. Milton Friedman and Rose Friedman, Free to Choose, 1980.

Laws that do not embody public opinion can never be enforced. Oliver Wendell Holmes,

Jr., opinion, Adkins v. Children's Hospital, 1922.

It may be true that the law cannot make a man love me, but it can keep him from lynching me, and I think that's pretty important. Martin Luther King, Jr., Wall Street Journal, November 13, 1962.

You have the right to remain silent; anything you say can be held against you in a court of law; you have the right to the presence of an attorney to assist you prior to questioning and to be with you during questioning, and if you cannot afford an attorney, you have the right to have an attorney appointed for you prior to questioning. Miranda warning, Miranda v. Miranda, June 13, 1966.

No man is above the law and no man is below it; nor do we ask any man's permission when we require him to obey it. Obedience to the law is demanded as a right, not asked as a favor. Theodore Roosevelt, message to Congress, January, 1904.

A Lawyer's time and advice are his stock in trade. A. Lincoln

Please don't tell my mother I'm a Lawyer, she thinks I play the piano at the local bordello.

A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man." The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"

The Pope and a lawyer die on the same day and arrive in heaven on the same day. St. Peter tells them he will take them for a tour. He takes them to a very nice room-similar to Holiday Inn- and says "Well, Holy Father, this is your eternal resting place." He then takes them a room that looks like the Taj Mahal and says " This, Mr. Lawyer, is where you will spend eternity". The attorney looks incredulous and says "I don't understand. Why does the Pope get such a humble room while I am given a palace?" To which St. Peter responds" My son, we get a lot of Popes up here".

Terrorists have taken over City Hall...and they say they will release a lawyer every hour unless their demands are met!

And finally about lawyers, cigars and insurance:

A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire  stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the
normal fashion.

The lawyer sued... And WON!

(Stay with me.)

In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer "held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.