By Zelig Pliskin
I heard these stories from my students:
When I was in the hospital for complex surgery, it gave me a whole new understanding what it feels like to be helpless and totally dependent on the good will of others. I kept thinking, "Now I know what itʼs like when others talk about being nervous before surgery." I remember my post-surgery distress. I felt grateful for those who spoke to me gently and gave me visions of hope. That was five years ago and since then I have been able to give comfort with the knowledge of someone who has been there himself.
I lost my job at the worst possible time in my life. I was financially and emotionally vulnerable. Fortunately, I became successful. I was able to look back at that experience as the turning point in my life. Not only did that lay the foundation for my financial success it also made me much more sensitive to what others go through when they lose their jobs. I utilized what I learned from the experience to give encouragement and advice to many others throughout the years.
When I am alert and full of flowing energy, my mind works quickly. I am immediately able to understand what I read and hear. Even when I donʼt understand something, I know that with patience I eventually will. But when I am tired or in an unresourceful state, I feel overwhelmed. I canʼt understand even simple ideas. I can look at a page and it just doesnʼt register. I forget what I hear in just a few seconds. This pattern has enabled me to be sensitive to those who experience this in particular areas and all the more so to those who experience this all the time.
I went through a bout of depression. It didnʼt last very long. But I couldnʼt shake it as quickly as I would have wished. From then on I stopped offering simple platitudes to others who were depressed.
Every difficulty in your life builds up your mental library of what itʼs like to go through hard times. Every mistake enables you to empathize with others who make mistakes. Every time you become frustrated or angry, you gain a better understanding of others who feel this way. Make note of all your worries and your fears. Make note of your uncomfortable or embarrassing moments. These together with every injury, illness, and wound help you to become more sensitive to the suffering of others.
Make note of what you didnʼt appreciate hearing from others when you were suffering. And remember the comments and suggestions of others that you did appreciate. What did they say? How did they say it? Keep in mind that every individual is unique. You might have gained from what someone said to you in a specific way, but someone else would not find that beneficial. But at least you have a better understanding of the distress of those who suffer. And the responses you liked can serve as a starting point.
When you view your own pain, distress, and suffering as tools for empathy and understanding, you have a reframe that will elevate every difficult experience throughout your life. You will never suffer just for yourself. You are always learning lessons about how you can help others. Without life experience, a person can be well-meaning and full of good intentions, but might say the wrong things. With experience, you have greater insight. Your intuitions become more accurate. So remember past moments of distress and view them as great resources for helping others. May you never suffer, but since we all suffer to some degree let your own suffering be a source of light, comfort, and healing to others who suffer.
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